Because change is hard.
Think back to your New Year’s Resolution? Do you even remember what it was? You probably gave up after 2-3 weeks, like most people. So, Why can’t I change?
We have to understand change and understand our behaviors. We need to analyze how we changed sucessfully in the past and also when did change not succeed. Then we try experiments to see what helps and what hinders.
Change is about habits and replacing undesirable habits with desirable habits. I’ve read a number of books on change and sometimes they make sense but they don’t always work. For instance, “Habit” by Charles Duhigg is a fascinating book. He analyzes habits and determined that they are formed through the Habit Loop:
There’s a cue, then you do your routine (your habit), then you get some kind of reward. Makes sense. Supported by science. Doesn’t work for me.
I’ve tried it multiple ways and many variations and it just doesn’t stick. It may be the correct scientific explanation, but if it can’t be applied to change MY behavior, then it’s not helpful. I continued my search for something that works for me.
Then I ran into Visioning! Create a vision for your ideal life and your ideal self. Set goals based on that vision. Now we’re cooking!
Focusing on your vision also stimulates positive thoughts and emotions. This is the key to change – as Arnold used to say “Use Want Power, not Will Power.” Focus your thoughts and attention on what you want – the positive. Leave the negative and roadblocks out of your mind. You will be drawn to what you think about. For example, if you think about losing weight, your focus will be on hunger and deprivation and negativity. What you don’t want. If you think about vitality and fitting in your clothes and looking good, that’s where your energy will go. What you want. Your body and mind enjoy the positives and get stressed by the negative.
This also ties into MindSet. Bring your mindset into the Positive. Robert Boyatzis writes about the Intentional Change Theory and Positive Emotional Attractors (PEA). By focusing on the Positives (PEA), you engage the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS), the rest-and-digest system. Avoid the negative (NEA), which activate the (Sympathetic Nervous System), which is the flight-fight system.
This is how real change begins to happen. You imagine your ideal, set goals based on the ideal and then work daily toward the goal, with images and thoughts of PEA. Each day reconnect with your vision. The “Why”.
How does this sound? Does it make you feel more optimistic about initiating change in your life? Are you going to try it and start changing your life? Or will you continue with your current methods and keep slipping back into your old bad habits? You decide.
One thing to keep in mind, is there’s a ratio between positive (PEA) and negative (NEA). Most of the time you should be spending in PEA – it increases optimism and hope and moves you forward. But you should spend a little bit of time in the NEA. Occasionally think about any challenges or problems you are having with your new habits? What can you do differently? How can you improve? This negativity should be a small % of your time and effort. The vast majority of your time should be focused on the positive.
I’ll be writing about the details of Visioning in a future article. For now, think about what you really want. What is your ideal self? What is your dream for the future. Forget obstacles or limitations. Think about everything you want for yourself and your life. Think deeply and feel it in your body. Make that connection between positive thoughts about your future and how it feels deep within the body. Does it cause a tingle or goose bumps? Maybe waves of elation wash over you. Maybe a sense of energy or peace flows through your body. It can be different for everyone. Just imagine and then feel it. These connections are what is going to make any change easier and more natural.
You won’t feel like your fighting with yourself. You’re going with the flow, going where you really want to go. Resistance falls away.
Best of luck on your journey to a happy, fulfilling life!